Ryan

Okay, so I now how a girlfriend that I like a whole lot.
She means a crap load to me.
For the most part, I have stopped most of my bad habits for her.
I'm slowly working on it.
People say I shouldn't change because of someone else but in my eyes...when you want something to work out because you care about a person, you'd do anything for them.
Being with her makes me happy.
Very happy so why sacrifice that to do stupid shit.
I'm a different person around her....a better person.
She reminds me of every good thing I had before with some better attributes and minus the bad parts.
She has an opinion...She has will power.
She is fun.
She has morals.
I feel that I should give it my all if she is too so that's exactly what I'm going to do I guess.

Holly<3

She is absolutely hilarious.
I was surprised at first but then again...thats something she would do.
I honestly think she talked more than I did that day.
Well touche.

I love devious behavior. =)
how could I be angry.

-Ryan-

I am now employed...hooray.
I start wednsday at Sam's food and spirits.
Salad bar. =)
I'm really excited because now, I'll have money.
when I get my paycheck, I think, I'll put the majority in the bank and then I dunno.
have fun with the rest...maybe.
I think I'll enjoy this because I'm glad that my first legit job isn't at a department store or something.
yay.
bye.
-Ryan-

well my day was totally awkward.
funny but awkward.
its not all, the fact that I have to get up on red days to see a teacher I hate.
I have to sit right behind a girl that just really doesn't like me in the least lol.
It's fine.
I'm actually hoping to at least become friendly acquaintances though, especially after our past.
It's funny to see her because I felt like she was a ghost, trying to avoid me every single second of her life.
which is fine, I deserve it.
But at least this way I know that she is alive and kicking haha.
Honestly, this is going to be hard because there probably isn't one thing I say that won't piss her off souly off the fact that she probably could live forever without hearing my voice or seeing my face.
We'll get over our hatred.
lol I didn't even pass french 2 I don't see why I'm in french 3
All my teachers seem to be awesome so far.
I have ms. korte tommorow and she is great.
This is my last year in highschool...I'd better make it good.
I can't help but love everyone right now just because the end of summer is a new beginning for me.
I really think some people need to get over shit. cough cough.
but I'm out.
everyone have a good night.
-Ryan-

woooo...
great day.
=)

-Ryan-

wow, that was interesting.
we used to be cool and shit.
hahaha...what an idiot.

well later.

-Ryan-

I'm a bad kid.

Really enough said in that line.

but on a better note...well, don't really have one.
nevermind.

-Ryan-

So some excitement.
I'm basically really happy right now with everything that is going on.
The band is starting to come together really well.
Everyone I've talked to seems to like us, even the hardest people to please so we must be doing something right.
My voice is developing.
Still all single and shit.
But thats cool, I never settle for anything less than the perfect fit for my taste.
More personality wise.
I've thought a lot about the past lately.
I drank vodka last night which is always a bad idea because I always think about stuff that I really should just get over.
Like Nathan for instance.
Or a past love.
I heard that she has moved on very well with the person she seems to like a lot.
I haven't quite found that person yet so I can only be happy for her.
Even though the guy has always been a douchebag to me but he's not my boyfriend so whatever lol.
I'm still holding that V-card of mine.
It's funny, out of all my friends, I'm probably the least horny guy out of both males and females.
I'm saving it.
I'd much rather be in love with the person first.
I actually think I've found who I am in this time period.
Thats great.
Beebsfest is coming once again.
Lol hopefully I don't do something stupid and selfish I like I did last year.
I don't regret it though.
I've been hanging out with a really cool crowd lately.
Basically everyone who works at Panera Bread lol.
All cool people, most of them are from Providence so its nice knowing people from a fairly good school with wealth out the ass.
Classy individuals.
I've taken in the game Guitar Hero into my life haha.
That is a fun ass game.
I like it because its musically oriented rather than beasts and shit killing each other and excludes anything to do with violence.
Sounds like a good game to me.
But most people like fighting and violence so those games are more likely to be in popular demand.
But thats basically me for the past month or two.

later.
-Ryan-

So I haven't really wrote on here in awhile.
Crazy stuff has went down.
Me and Kodi aren't talking anymore...I wanted to be just friends but I don't see that happenning because her and her friend have it in their head that I'm some asshole.
I basically disregarded their messages because they were bullshit.
They are pretty much telling me that I didn't do shit and I didn't try in the relationship.
I kinda pushed my boundaries with heras far as her parents are concerned, I'm not even allowed to be around her half the time.
So no, Thats not working, whether she thinks it did or not.
I think she knows, but she is just pissed off about it.
I can't help it anymore than she can.
Someone who's parents are that strict when they didn't used to be...she obviously did something to lose their trust so if anything...its her doings.
but on a lighter note..
I'm hanging out with Beeler and Jamien tonight.
fun fun.
but I'm out dawgs.
later
-Ryan-

Well, yesterday was interesting.
Kodi showed up out of nowhere while I was just walking around in the most minimal clothes possible.
I thought it was going to be John and Marty so I wasn't dressed because they don't care and I don't really give a shit if they see me in my after shower form.
But then I answered it and it was her.
Crazy.
We talked for awhile.
I really do care about her.
This is really weird for me because I've been sort of known to just roam around with whoever doing whatever.
Then I went to Ashleigh Jo's and found out some things that I really didn't want to about Kods.
Kodi told me one thing about some of the talks that her and Dave had and I heard totally different but with shit to prove it.
I made out with someone but talking about sex is definitely a level up.
She said it was him talking about wanting to but then I hear about her jokes that hinted sex but its one of those things where, well, you can tell it was somewhat serious at the same time.
And just in case she reads...Dave didn't tell me that stuff, A-jo told me because he showed her the messages not knowing that A-jo knew her and how weird he found it.
A-Jo told me not to make a big thing out of it.
I guess I won't but that totally put a bit of a damper on us getting back together extremely soon.
I was actually thinking about it when she came over but then later in the night kinda screwed that thought for me.
But I'm just in a rare mood today.
I don't like to be upset.
I won't cry about it because I think I've seriously cried the last bit of tears out of me in the mixture of things happenning this year...I've been through so much worst than this.

-Ryan-

I love how shit gets blown out of proportion about stupid shit.
But whatever, I'm over it.
I feel like total shit right now.
I drank too much, my head hurts, I feel notious.
There's drama, I had a bad weekend.
Jeny kids are annoying sometimes.
A-jo is stuck up Greg's ass.
He tries to make her freak out.
.......
I'm jealous of someone.
I'm an idiot for being me basically.
I didn't want a relationship didn't mean I wanted to lose contact.
lol
Being without a Cellphone sucks.
Honestly, I like that girl more than any other girl out there that I've even came across.
Sometimes we have our differences but overall, I like her a whole hell of a lot.
but she seems to be talking to someone else and I do NOT like to interfere with stuff like that.
I'll wait it out, and do what I'm doing for the time being.
But I'm out.
later
-Ryan-

So, I'm hanging out with some friends and it got on the topic of what I did during the weekend.
Well it was brought up by someone that I had kissed someone.
lol I find out her brother is the guy that hates the shit out of me because of a girl that I dated before he did and I'm sure she didn't say the nicest things about me and she probably told him I treated her bad, which wasn't the case.
well yeah, that's crazy.
I get told today that he supposebly wants to fight me.
That's just about retarded.
Even if I fought him, he would just get his ass kicked and still be angry with me.
I would much rather talk to him about our differences because yes I did say some stuff but I'm over being childish and that's a really dumb reason to want to fight someone.
It's not my fault that his life revolves around material video gaming things and that video game conventions are gay.
I mean, I wouldn't back down if he actually engaged in a fight.
Fair warning....I would kill you.
lol
but whatever.
later.
-Ryan-

YAY.
Remember When... is done recording their first song.
America's passtime.
That was a long and painful process.
I did the rhythm guitar for jamien because he wasn't quite ready plus he didn't have a ride.
The vocals are pretty good for the most part.
They aren't amazing.
Hopefully jeff can take care of the parts that are alittle louder than others and mix it all out to where everything is equal and mixed in well.
This man is a genius so I have no doubt that he can do it.
I added parts in there that are alittle different like a few breathes here and there.
and I whispered behind kohl saying "Make it constant, make it constant".
Those parts are amazing.
I'm just really excited right now.
The solo is fucking great.
Brooks did a good job.
The drums are nice sounding.
For where and how they were done, its surprising that they came out so good.
Kohl did some backing vocals on the chorus...Great.
I just love the song in general so recording it has been a blast.
I can't wait until everyone knows that song and sings it along with me.
That will be the day I shit my pants out of mere happiness.
Mere Acquiantances is the next song to be recorded...WHOOOO!!

-Ryan-

So I've been stressing out lately.
I said somethings that I probably should not have.
I can't say I didn't mean them.
They weren't hurtful unless the person actually knew the things were true, which she does.
I don't get jealous but when someone that you are sort of talking to always feels the need to tell me about these guys being all over them and her always having to fight someone off...it gets annoying.
It seriously just seems like a cry for attention or someway of trying to make me jealous.
Why would someone need to do that.
I don't sit and talk about all these girls that are all over me.
I mean, if I had any, I still wouldn't talk about it.
I'm going to confess, I would rather be single at this point.
I mean, I am single.
And another thing I'd like to put out there is I kissed another girl.
But should I feel bad.
I told Kodi that I didn't want a girlfriend.
I know she'll be upset with me but this is why I didn't want a girlfriend out of fear of doing this because I'm honestly not ready yet.
When I am ready, I'm really loyal.
But I'm not yet.
I'm a whore.
lol.
Whatev.
-Ryan-

Okay well last night was probably the craziest shit ever.
I leave for maybe a half an hour from joe's and all hell breaks loose.
Well if was alright while I was there and then Alex Beeler wanted to leave because well, I dunno why.
Well, we go to A-jo's, planning to go somewhere else and then we decide that we want to go back.
When we get there there is a whole heep of shit going on.
This girl was being outrageous before we left and no one liked her.
She was drunk off her ass.
Well Lexi, the bitch she is(all in good nature =)) well she pisses on the girls head when she passes out.
That girl is wild.
Well I seriously don't know but I'm hoping that girl washed her hair.
She kept on trying to get in peoples face the whole night.
This shit is crazy.
Then I talked to some people.
Everyone was having sex but me haha.
It kinda seemed like a dirty situation to be honest.
Saw a couple of girls from my school.
That was fun ;)
Then went to A-jos and fell asleep.
A-mazing.

So I'm sick again.
We have a show on friday.
I'm nervous about my voice.
It shouldn't be too bad.
We don't have proper equiptment.
this sucks
I want to poop.
bye
-Ryan-

This weekend was fun.
Alex, Jamien and I went on an adventure.
It really didn't open Alex's eyes like I thought it should've.
The kid is really killing his life.
I miss him even though I see him all the time.
Seriously, it's just not the same anymore.
It's not me being selfish but everything is different since he basically devoted his life to making one person happy and she can't even respect that enough to do the same for him.
I honestly think he is the only one that is trying.
I really hope she reads this too and realizes what she is doing to him.
I can't take it.
I've been tolerating it but there's only so much you can take when your friend is completely miserable but still keeps trying, out of love.
Me and him went to Texas Roadhouse for A-jo's birthday...that was pretty cool.
Jamien has strep...hopefully I don't get that shit again.
We have another show at The Groove on Friday.
Hopefully Alex's lady can get over her differences with me and quit being gay because Scott isn't in the band.
I guess she failed to recieve the memo that we didn't kick him out, he kinda quit.
And another thing...Jamien is overall a better person because he devotes every bit of his time into this and he is nice to the person that doesn't want to show up.
I hate when people don't want to come to a damn show for gay reasons.
Get over it...also, its Alex's band to..if you don't want to see me, see him because he contributes a lot, by helping us transport. thats his bass we are playing and he loves the shit out of the band that he devotes his time to.
Think about it.
I guess I'm just in a pissy mood right now.
I hate seeing friends miserable.
I hate girls that make my friends miserable.
I hate strep throat.
I hate the scene, even though its starting to come together again.
I hate Vaginas
I just want to go to sleep.

On a good note...The new Taking Back Sunday Cd is probably the best CD I've heard in awhile.
Its fucking amazing.

-Ryan-

So I have come to the conclusion that due to the stress this person CREATES for themself, that person, being a girl, will probably kill herself in about a year if she isn't sent to a place where phsyco people are held.
It's her fate.
Chill out every once and awhile, you are retarded.

-Ryan-

So I don't know what about her makes me want her again.
We broke up for transportation reasons because none of us could see each other ever.
Well now that isn't an issue and I've found myself at her house more frequently.
I still liked her when we broke up but there were a couple of things I just couldn't take.
The fact that we never saw each other.
And the fact that she sometimes was a bit crazy in public.
I'm over it to be honest.
I saw her tonight and I just want to kiss her, cuddle with her and things like that.
It makes the relationship that much better when you don't have to be driven by your parents to see her.
I can take her places now.
I don't feel as obligated to impress her parents because I'm being more responsible.
Her dad called me up today just to wonder if him joking around gets to me or not because if it does, he was sorry and that its his sign of liking me...if he didn't like me he would make fun of me behind my back.
I honestly wouldn't feel comfortable if he didn't joke.
Her mom adores me.
I'm not saying I want to rush into it but its looking pretty promising right about now.
I just want some alone time with her.
She is supposed to stop by tommorow.
We need to talk.
=)
-Ryan-

I feel like I am in sexual need.
It's weird.
I guess its because I haven't had it.
I always stop myself, I never go through with anything.
Girls think its cute but its basically torture.
This may be one of those things where a girl is like, "He is a guy, he can't help it sort of deal"
That for one is bullshit, I've seriously now seen more girls that are like this.
Guys just think its a game.
And this is a whole different story.
But anyway, I don't know what it is...
Is it my curiosity.
I'm not scared but I think I may have been when I stopped myself.
I'll wait for a good time.
I guess you could call my "horny" even though I hate to describe myself in that termanology.

Teach me...

-Ryan-